Great Expectations: How They Can Make or Break Your Relationship
“How do I build a happy relationship?” This question has been asked by many. Whether you are in a romantic relationship or not, everyone desires to feel satisfied in their relationships. To answer this question, we have to consider the role that expectations play in our idea of what a “happy” relationship is.
Whether they are realistic or unrealistic, spoken or unspoken, expectations play an important role in how we experience commitment and love. In this blog, we’ll explore how expectations impact satisfaction, the dangers of unmet expectations, and strategies for building healthy, realistic expectations, which can lead to a more fulfilling relationship.
What do Expectations have to do with Relationship Satisfaction?
Expectations act as a sort of blueprint for how we think a relationship should work. Often, we have subconscious expectations that have been developed throughout our life; through how we were raised, what we observed of the relationships around us, what we’re told, and our own experiences and interactions with others.
Sometimes, we are aware of our expectations, and go into a relationship with certain assumptions about how we’ll interact with that other person. When expectations (both subconscious and conscious) are met, this often contributes to feelings of security and fulfillment. On the other hand, if they go unmet, this can lead to frustration, disappointment, resentment, and dissatisfaction.
Seems simple, right? In reality, met and unmet expectations - and how they impact a relationship - are a little more complicated. Expectations such as mutual respect, honesty, and support can strengthen the dynamic, and are things that a person should expect out of a relationship. These could be considered fundamental expectations - the things that are paramount to a healthy dynamic. Expectations can also be subjective, such as how often a partner should express affection, or how they should contribute financially to the relationship.
Whether fundamental or subjective, when expectations are healthy and reasonable, they can contribute to a fulfilling relationship. However, when expectations are set too high, or are left unspoken, they have a higher chance of being unmet, which can cause significant strain. Understanding how unmet expectations impact each person’s emotions is important for learning how to mitigate them.
The impact of Unmet Expectations
Here are some common effects of unmet expectations. Do any of these sound familiar?
Resentment and frustration: when one partner feels their needs are ignored, resentment is likely to build over time.
Breakdown in Communication: unspoken expectations can lead to miscommunication, and can make it difficult to resolve conflicts.
Distance: feeling disappointed in the relationship can cause a person to feel emotionally detached from their partner.
Questioning: constantly feeling let down can lead to questioning the future of the relationship.
Increased conflict: unaddressed expectations often lead to arguments that happen again and again, with the same issues resurfacing without resolving.
Insecurity: sometimes when expectations aren’t met, this could lead to one or both partners questioning their value in the relationship.
These relationship issues are often the result of expectations that are unhealthy, unrealistic, or uncommunicated. Many people enter a relationship with expectations that might not align with reality, or with what their partner can reasonably live up to. Here are some common unrealistic expectations:
Expecting the relationship to always feel “magical”: relationships evolve and change over time, and so do feelings. This means that sometimes the “spark” may not be as obvious as it once was, or it might show up in different ways.
Expecting your partner to meet all your needs: partners should be supportive, but relying on one person for constant emotional fulfillment can create a dependency that will likely be disappointed. Your partner should be considerate of your emotions, but they are not responsible for them. And vice versa.
Expecting no conflict: disagreement is natural, so naturally there will be conflict. How you handle the conflict is what matters.
Believing effort should always be equal: this is a tough one. The truth is, relationships are not always perfectly balanced. Sometimes, one partner has a greater capacity to contribute than the other partner, so flexibility and understanding is essential.
Cultivating Healthy Expectations:
Identifying what healthy, realistic expectations are, and learning how to communicate them, is essential for building a satisfying connection. So how do we do that? First, it takes self-reflection. Ask yourself:
What do I expect?
Are my expectations realistic and fair?
Have I clearly communicated them to my partner?
Am I willing to adjust my expectations to be more realistic?
Do I hold my partner to a standard I don’t hold myself to?
Am I appreciating what my partner already does, or focussing on what’s missing?
Subconscious expectations will likely show up when you find yourself feeling disappointed, and this is a good time to ask some of these questions. From there, you can navigate whether these expectations are fair and realistic, or whether you can adjust your standards.
Self-awareness, and being mindful of your own assumptions, values, and beliefs, is an important part of maintaining balanced expectations and preventing unnecessary heartache and frustration. Being aware is also important for recognizing when you may need to raise, or change your expectations to healthy ones. Sometimes, navigating relationship dynamics is easier to do with some support. Seeking professional support with a therapist or counsellor, whether in person or virtually, is a great place to start. We are here for you! Get Connected
About The Author:
Cassia Tayler, Registered Provisional Psychologist
Cassia enjoys the great outdoors, creativity, the fine arts, music, and working with teens, individuals and couples in identifying barriers to wellness and creating lasting positive change.
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