The F Word
Do you ever find yourself waiting for an apology? Perhaps you have been hurt in some way and are still reeling from it. You are mad, frustrated, hurt, sad. In some cases, even traumatized. You may be thinking that if they just took the steps to offer a sincere apology, things would be better and you could move on.
Maybe you’ve been waiting hours, days, or even months. Any longer than that and you likely aren’t expecting one anymore. While an apology is the appropriate response and should be given, the harsh reality is… it might never come.
You see, an apology requires the other individual(s) involved to first recognize that what they did was wrong or hurtful. It then requires that they feel some kind of remorse or guilt for what they did…and then it requires that they take responsibility for it by admitting their error and apologizing in some way for it.
When an apology doesn’t come, it may be because the offending party does not have the emotional intelligence, cognitive capacity, or security in themselves to be able to do this. While we all appreciate an apology when it’s due, here’s the good news…you don’t actually need an apology to be able to continue living your life free of resentment.
Why forgiveness is a necessary ingredient to a fulfilling life
When we’ve been offended, embarrassed, or even severely hurt in some way, we usually feel the offending party deserves our anger, emotional distance, or bitterness. On some level we feel we can bring justice this way. While those emotions are natural and even justified, the hard reality is we will feel those things more than they will.
It is not only okay, it may even be necessary to give ourselves permission to go through the process of feeling the hurt that has been caused and acknowledging the damage that has been done - that’s an important part. If we skip over this, we are at risk of experiencing a sense of helplessness, or even depression.
But when we develop the habit of mentally rehearsing our anger, it impacts us in just about every way ☹️. We start to feel a lack of energy, we often become more irritable and less patient in other relationships, we find it more difficult to appreciate the good things about our life, we become anxious. It’s kind of like a virus that begins to take over our whole wellbeing. In the end we might actually feel more hurt than when it initially happened, and pretty depleted of our energy.
When we are able to process our hurt, recognize the wrong that has been done, and begin the process towards forgiveness, we no longer require the energy it took to stay angry or resentful. We can begin to use that energy for the things that bring us healing, peace, and fulfillment. When we are able to forgive, we have more capacity to have healthy relationships with other people, we are able to enjoy the things we would typically enjoy, and we are able to live in the present, looking forward to the future, rather than feeling stuck in the past.
What is forgiveness?
Let’s face it. Forgiveness is HARD, with or without an apology.
Forgiveness is also a journey. For most of us, it’s not a one and done thing.
But let’s take a moment to acknowledge what forgiveness is and what it is not. First of all, forgiveness is not forgetting. Sometimes we think we can just erase memories by saying the words “I forgive you.” We all know that’s not how that works.
Forgiveness is choosing not to spend our energy on what somebody else did to us. While feelings can linger and we may still feel some kind of way about what they did, it is a process of disconnecting the feeling from the person who hurt us. We can manage our feelings, but we cannot control what another person does or does not do. When we separate the feeling from the person, we begin to experience our memories and thoughts of that person more neutrally. It allows us to make non-emotionally driven decisions about how to, or whether to be in a relationship with those that hurt us in a way that doesn’t leave us in that hurt and angry place. When we let go of the need to control and learn how to manage our emotions around the event(s) that hurt us, we empower ourselves to continue living life the way we’d like to
In Sum:
Unforgiveness keeps you bound to the past
Forgiveness allows you to live in the present
Unforgiveness ties you to those who hurt you
Forgiveness sets you free from those who hurt you
Unforgiveness leaves you in your anger and resentment
Forgiveness results in peace
While forgiveness requires a huge amount of vulnerability, strength, and perseverance. Unforgiveness requires even more. Unforgiveness ends up sucking the life out of us, while forgiveness can actually be life-giving. So while they may not deserve your forgiveness, you certainly do.
Seeking professional support with a therapist or counsellor, whether in person or virtually, is a great place to start. We are here for you! Get Connected
About The Author:
Chanae Smith, Registered Psychologist
-Chanae is a wife, a mother, and a Registered Psychologist that enjoys traveling, eating good food, learning, and playing. Chanae works with children and adults to form healthier relationships within the context of their homes, schools, personal relationships and even in the wider society.
To find out more about the services Chanae offers, please click on the 'Team” link below: