When Grief Keeps Hurting
Grief is something we all experience, but not all grief is the same. When you think about grief, what comes to mind? Many would describe it as a temporary period of sadness following a loss - something that fades with time. The phrase “time heals all wounds” comes from this idea. However, for many people, grief isn’t just a phase to “get through”, it’s a long-term experience that evolves over time.
Long-term grief, sometimes called complicated grief, is something that can shape a person’s mental and emotional experience over the course of years. Although grief can shape our lives, it doesn’t have to define them.
Understanding long-term grief can help us learn how to find meaning beyond grief, and grow in strength and resiliency.
What is long-term grief?
Long-term grief is different from acute grief, which is the immediate sense of sorrow that follows a loss. The experience of acute grief usually diminishes over time as you adapt, whereas long-term grief can linger, and can manifest as feelings of sadness and longing for years after the loss. Often, long-term grief is triggered by anniversaries, certain places, or unexpected memories.
Unlike the conventional idea that grief follows a set of stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) long-term grief is not always linear. Instead, it can be more cyclical, with moments of peace interrupted by waves of sorrow.
Who does it affect?
Although long-term grief is common, it doesn’t affect everyone. There are some factors that might make certain people more likely to experience long-term grief. Here are a few things to consider:
How the loss happened: unexpected, sudden, or violent deaths can make it more difficult for people to process the loss. When the loss isn’t anticipated, it can intensify the grief and contribute to long-term effects.
The nature of the relationship: Losing someone close to you, like a spouse or partner, child, or close friend often results in grief that lasts longer. If the relationship with the lost loved one was complicated or there were unresolved issues, this can also prolong the grieving process.
Lack of social support: isolation often means that a person isn’t receiving the support they need following a loss, and can lead to a difficulty in processing the loss, resulting in grief that persists.
Mental health concerns: If you have a history with depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues, you would be more likely to experience long-term grief.
What is long-term grief like?
Loss affects everyone, but it affects everyone in different ways. When it comes to long-term grief, some people are able to function in their daily lives while grieving in less obvious ways, and others struggle to cope with daily functions. Usually, people experience both of these phases, and not always in a linear way. Here are some common ways grief can manifest, and how they might persist long-term:
Emotional turmoil: feelings of sadness, anger, and guilt may be present in both acute and long-term grief. When grief is triggered by memories or situations, these feelings can resurface and feel as intense as when the loss first occurred.
Avoidance: in order to attempt to prevent emotional turmoil, you may avoid people, places, or situations that remind you of your loss. This can limit the benefit of connectedness and social support.
Loss of sense of self: losing someone close to you can disrupt your sense of self, especially if that person played an important role in your life.
Physical symptoms: both acute and long-term grief can lead to changes in how your body feels and operates, and many people experience headaches, fatigue, or even chronic pain.
What can we do when grief keeps hurting?
Loss is a part of life, but that doesn’t mean that we have to suffer without hope. Although grief is painful, and may persist throughout our lives, it is possible to experience loss in a meaningful way. Accepting that grief is often not linear, and has no timeline, is a great place to start. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no timeline for when you should “move on” or “get over it”.
Experiencing grief for a long time is not failure. Sometimes, healing means learning how to live with the scars that come from losing someone we love. Here are some helpful ways to integrate loss into life:
Create a connection.
Instead of trying to “move on”, sometimes it’s helpful to find ways to maintain a connection to your lost loved one. This could look like keeping a journal of letters to them, honouring them through traditions, or supporting a cause they care about. Take care of you.
Take care of you
It can be difficult to feel motivated to engage in self-care when grieving, and that’s okay. If these sorts of feelings persist, it can be helpful to imagine how your loved one might want you to take care of yourself. Engaging in activities like regular exercise, mindfulness practices, journaling, and creative expression can be great outlets for the feelings that come with grief.
Allow yourself to feel joy
Remember that moments of joy mixed with grief are normal, and it doesn’t mean you are forgetting your loved one or your loss. It is possible to carry grief AND moments of joy and fulfillment, and allowing yourself these feelings is important.
Seek support
Having someone around you who understands what you’re going through is so helpful for processing grief. This could look like being open about what you’re going through with family or friends, joining a grief support group, or reaching out for professional support through therapy. Having a safe space to process your emotions and experiences can bring profound comfort.
If you experience persistent symptoms of grief, you are not alone, and you don’t need to walk alone. If you or anyone you know is struggling with long-term or complicated grief, we are here for you. Seeking professional support with a therapist or counsellor, whether in person or virtually, is a great place to start. We are here for you! Get Connected
About The Author:
Cassia Tayler, Registered Provisional Psychologist
Cassia enjoys the great outdoors, creativity, the fine arts, music, and working with teens, individuals and couples in identifying barriers to wellness and creating lasting positive change.
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