Lets be Real. Toxic Positivity: What it is and why it can be harmful.
I’m Good!! (But I’m not)
I was on my way to pick my daughter up from school when another parent started the usual small-talk “how are you?!” conversation. “Pretty good!” I said effortlessly. This time, as the words left my mouth I felt icky knowing that was the complete opposite of the truth. I had given the staple illusion that I think everyone wants to hear, a quick and positive response.
But WHY? What does that do for me? What does that do for anyone else? It feels meaningless.
Toxic Positivity: It sounds so good but feels so bad
Let’s call it what it is.
Toxic Positivity is simply the pursuit of happiness at the expense of our true emotions.
Social media, ads, and even some streams of psychology have developed this idea that we must see life through a primarily positive lens in order to feel happy. It might work…until it doesn’t. Doing this often leads to an underlying stress, or even social anxiety when we believe we have to try to mask our real experience. When we disregard what we are really feeling we side-step some of the less pleasurable emotions, but it doesn’t mean they’re not there. They stay, waiting to be processed, understood, and acknowledged. Ignoring them and faking it ‘till we make it doesn’t seem to be the answer.
All the Feelings
Happiness, among our other feelings, is just that, a feeling. Our emotions are not supposed to get stuck or stay forever, they are fluid and are meant to pass through. So, next time you’re asked ‘how are you?’, rather than giving the expected ‘I’m good!’ Try to give them something real. Will it be awkward at first? Maybe. However, something I've discovered over time and with experience is that when we are authentic with ourselves and others, we actually feel more than just happy, we feel whole.
About The Author:
Chanae Smith is a wife, a mother, and a Registered Psychologist that enjoys working with children and adults to form healthier relationships within the context of their homes, schools, personal relationships and even in the wider society. To find out more about the services Chanae offers, please click on the 'Team’ link below.
For more information on this topic, see the following resources: Davis, T. (n.d.). Toxic Positivity: Definition,Cha Research & Examples. Berkeley Well-Being Institute. Retrieved May 11, 2023, from https://www.berkeleywellbeing.com/toxic-positivity.html?ck_subscriber_id=857320531&utm_source=convertkit&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Rising+to+the+Challenge%20-%207453376
Ford, B., & Mauss, I. (2014). The paradoxical effects of pursuing positive emotion. In J. Gruber & J. T. Moskowitz (Eds.), Positive emotion: Integrating the light sides and dark sides (pp. 363–382). Oxford University Press. The paradoxical effects of pursuing positive emotion
Schutte, N., & Malouff, J. (2011). Emotional intelligence mediates the relationship between mindfulness and subjective well-being. Personality and Individual Differences, 50(7), 1116-1119. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2011.01.037