Living (In)Security
It’s no secret that we all have (or have had) insecurities. There are public speakers that have highlighted this topic, numerous self-help books, and mental health campaigns. Yet, why do so many of us walk around like it is okay for everyone else to have their insecurity, but not us? We try to disguise them, hide them, ignore them, and make them disappear. For some it is body weight, a scar, skin colour, a birthmark, a missing limb. Perhaps it is something less visible: a diagnosis, an uncomfortable and persistent feeling, an untold secret, a learning disability (or as we like to call it, a different learning ability), a personal failure or regret. Whether big or small, these insecurities can at best, be uncomfortable; and at worst, be debilitating, taking a toll on our sense of self worth, our relationships, and even our ability to function...that is unless we change how we are thinking about them.
Find it.
Insecurity shows up differently, depending on a number of factors including personality types, level of social support, job or career requirements, personal history, cultural factors, and the list goes on. Sometimes it is blatant and easy to spot in ourselves or someone else, but sometimes it may be less obvious. Common examples of some more obvious ones are:
Walking with our head down, avoiding eye contact with others
Wearing clothing that doesn’t fit, or clothing that is inappropriate for the weather in order to hide a certain appearance
Over-inflation of our abilities or talents in order to achieve validation or affirmation
Negative self talk
When insecurity is more hidden and less obvious, they may show up more like this:
Failing to meet deadlines at work or school
Hiding achievements or downplaying personal success
Declining the opportunity to join social engagements or functions
A pattern of being taken advantage of in social situations, work, or school
Being a chameleon - being inauthentic in your way of relating to others in order to fit in or be liked
These are some examples of how insecurity might show up as social anxiety, depression, self-esteem issues, performance anxiety, and even victimization or learned helplessness. Let’s talk about what to do now that we have a better understanding of how this can show up.
Call it out!
When we call out our insecurity, we begin to believe in a different truth - a truth that tells us we are not defined by our weaknesses.
Have you ever had a dark secret that you finally let out of the bag? Maybe you wrote it down, maybe you said it out loud to yourself, or maybe you told someone who was trustworthy. If you’re like most people, this would have felt incredibly vulnerable and risky at the time, followed by a big sense of relief. You let it out, and the world didn’t implode! This is a similar sense of relief experienced by people who “come out of the closet” and feel they do not have to hide their experience any longer. The reason we believe this is important is because insecurity kept in secret leads to shame, and shame (when it becomes about who we are, and not just something we’ve done) can lead us to doubt our worth as a person. When we begin to doubt our worth, we begin to see it impact how we relate to others, how we relate to ourselves, and how we interpret the events in our lives (both past and present). When our insecurity is exposed in some way, we open ourselves up to the opportunity to experience being seen, noticed, or understood in spite of our insecurity. This can look like doing an art project around it, writing about it, or talking about it with a trustworthy person or therapist. When we bring our insecurity out in the open in some way, we deny it the opportunity to continue having power over us.
Address It
Addressing your insecurity makes living in security an option.
Once you’ve exposed our insecurity in some way, it’s time to take a closer look at how it has impacted you. When we take inventory of the things that we think, say, or do that have led us to some less ideal ways of being in the world, we have the opportunity to better understand them and change them. For instance, if you’ve tried to say under the radar at work because you don’t want to be given an opportunity to be in the spotlight, because everyone will notice your _____(fill in the blank), it might be time to look at how that is limiting you in achieving what you really need or want. Here are some questions to begin thinking about:
How is hiding my insecurity keeping me safe? What is it keeping me safe from?
How have I adapted to maintain this false sense of security?
How is my insecurity getting in the way of my relationships?
How is my insecurity getting in the way of my financial or career development?
How is my insecurity getting in the way of my wellbeing?
What is getting in the way of me addressing my insecurity?
When we begin to address some of these questions, we begin to realize that we have other options.
Re-Name It
You and your insecurity are not the same thing.
First, we believe naming our insecurities is important because giving it a name defines its parameters. Let me give you an example: When I am able to say that an insecurity I have is public speaking, and I address the ways in which this impacts my life, I can begin to re-define how I want this look moving forward. Rather than it taking over my whole experience as a person, I can begin to see it as separate from myself. This may be as simple as realizing that I can be afraid of public speaking without being afraid of not being accepted in my social circles. In doing so, I am defining the boundaries of which my insecurity can impact me. I am saying that while I may need some work on developing the confidence to do public speaking, I can at the same time acknowledge that despite that flaw, I am still enough.
Second, we believe it is important to revisit who you are apart from your insecurities. Naming and understanding your insecurity is only part of the process. Your values, your resiliencies, your abilities, your dreams and your inherent value as a person are a few important factors that make up who you are more than your insecurity does. These factors all deserve to be recognized. We hope you can give yourself permission to appreciate who you are, and who you are is good enough.
About The Author:
Chanae Smith
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