“Because I Deserve it”…Or Do You?
Have you been feeling like you are not being treated with the respect or dignity you feel like you deserve? Perhaps you are busting your backside doing things for other people - your kids, your spouse or significant other, your friends, your siblings, your employer, the list goes on. The things you do are meaningful, and maybe you even find purpose in them or like doing them. Yet somehow at the end of the day, you feel like you have spent more than you have to give, and your physical and emotional tank feels empty. There is likely more than one reason for this, but let's start by exploring one of the big ones…what are you doing, and who are you anyway?
Back to the Basics: Who Am I?
Take a moment to truly ask yourself this question - ‘who am I?’ Take a few minutes to write down your answer, or at the very least, keep a clear mental note of how you answer this question. Okay do you have it? If so, take a look at what you wrote down (if not, try this, seriously! It might just be worth your time). How did you answer this question? Put up your hand if your answer is something you do. Maybe it’s your job, or an accomplishment, something you’re proud of? It’s hard right!? It’s okay, you’re not alone.
In fact, I believe we have been systematically taught to believe our worth is a result of what we can or cannot do. Take the olympics for example, if you win gold in swimming, does that make you better than the person who got silver? We are tempted to say yes, but is that really the case? Perhaps the person who won gold is a stronger swimmer. Or perhaps the person who won gold that day got a great sleep the night before, had a more experienced coach, parents that loved and nurtured them, and a stronger upper body. Does that truly make them a better person? More deserving of love and respect than the next person?
We don’t really need to go that far to explore this. What about in grade school when the person who got 100% on their math test got a prize and earned the unspoken “smartest kid in the class” title? Are they the smartest or could it mean that they studied the hardest, had a good breakfast, and are naturally wired to understand math well? Does that mean everyone else is less deserving to feel smart, be liked, or made to feel special?
You are More Than You Do
We live in a time and place where our identity has become wrapped up in, or maybe even confused for what we do and what we earn. You don’t have to go far to hear or read “because I deserve it!” Usually, this person is referring to an expectation of being treated a certain way. Maybe they feel someone ought to respect them more, encourage them more, treat them more special, or take more responsibility. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like being mistreated anymore than the next person, but do I ‘deserve’ to be treated better?
I like to think of it this way: being deserving of something typically means you have earned it. In the example above, the olympic swimmer might deserve the gold medal for being the fastest, or the kid in grade 1 may deserve to get 100% on the spelling test, but does that mean they also deserve greater respect, that their worth as a person is somehow increased?
Being deserving of something means you have earned it, and we can often measure this by what they achieved (money, prizes, fame etc.). But it becomes more complicated when we ask how we earn respect, care, dignity, or love. Is this something we earn by working hard enough, pleasing enough people, doing enough of the ‘right’ things, and not too many of the ‘wrong’ ones?
If the answer to this is ‘yes,’ then why do so many of us still feel so empty when we can check all these boxes? Why do we feel like we are not enough?
I need it vs. I deserve it
Rather than viewing ourselves through the lens of what we do, or what we have accomplished (what we deserve) all the while hoping others notice and pay their due respect, we see ourselves in our humanity. Let me explain further. We all appreciate feeling special, respected, loved, thought of, and cared for. What if instead of operating out of the belief ‘I deserve it,’ we operated out of the belief ‘because I need it.’
Here’s the thing, if we believe we deserve something and do not get it, we are usually left feeling hurt, anxious, wronged, or taken advantage of. It may even lead us to work harder, do more, and expect more to get those things. Relationally speaking, this often means we start blaming, shaming, or disregarding others when they don’t measure up to what we think they owe us. Ultimately, that leaves us feeling more bitter, more neglected, and more alone. If instead we operated out of the belief that we needed love, thoughtfulness, respect, and special care, we redirect the attention back around to ourselves in a gentle way instead of placing this responsibility on others.
It empowers us to take better care of ourselves, and to notice what we may need more of in our relationships. When we express our needs in this to others, they are more likely to respond in a more gentle and caring way. It leaves less room for resentment and unmet expectations in our relationships and more room for open, reciprocal, and real conversations. So the next time you are left feeling unheard, unnoticed, or disrespected, remember that these are more than you can earn, you are human and valuable and these are things you need.
If you are struggling with feeling like some of these essential emotional needs keep going unmet. We are here to listen and help!
About The Author:
Chanae Smith, Registered Psychologist
-Chanae is a wife, a mother, and a Registered Psychologist that enjoys traveling, eating good food, learning, and playing. Chanae works with children and adults to form healthier relationships within the context of their homes, schools, personal relationships and even in the wider society.
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