Drawing the Line: Boundaries (and Why We Need Them)
“Boundaries” has become a bit of a buzzword, and for good reason! They are important. The problem is, many of us don’t feel we have a clear idea of how to set boundaries that are both healthy for us and relationally supportive. We get it! It’s a tricky balance. Learning how to set appropriate boundaries is a skill that can not only create healthier dynamics in your relationships, but can also support (or develop) a healthy sense of self, or positive self esteem . We want to dive in to explore what kind of boundary setters there are, as well as what it really means to set healthy, clear, and non-punitive boundaries.
What Kind of Boundary Setter are You?
Whether you realize it or not, you have already defined boundaries in your relationships. The other people in your life will know what they are, and are already operating within them. How we allow others to treat us, and how we respond to others is essentially how we live out the boundaries we have set. If you find yourself feeling discouraged, taken advantage of, overwhelmed, frustrated, or irritable in your relationships, it might be time to set some new boundaries. First, let’s find out what kind of boundary setter you are!
The “pillow” boundary setter
You may be what we call a “pillow” boundary setter if you find yourself feeling under-appreciated, taken advantage of, or even frustrated in your closest relationships. Chances are, you are a people-person. You might enjoy being helpful, hospitable, and supportive. These are all great characteristics which is why those in your life who are closest to you likely feel they can rely on you! The problem is sometimes the people-person can become the people-pleaser - meaning you have taken on the responsibility of trying to make others happy.
When we do this, we take more than our fair share of responsibility in the relationship, making ourselves the primary source of comfort and satisfaction for all involved. Our boundaries become soft and it is easy to give way when we feel we have disappointed someone. At the end of the day, we may feel depleted and like we still don’t measure up. If you are nodding to this right now, you are not alone. Somewhere along the line you were taught (or you learned) that it was your job to make others happy, and this is simply an impossible standard. To combat this, it will be necessary to take steps to re-define your role in relationships as a person that can still be helpful, hospitable, and supportive within defined parameters of your social and emotional resources.
The “brick” boundary setter
You may be what we call a “brick boundary setter” if you find it easy to say ‘no’ to others and sometimes difficult to say ‘yes.’ Of course this can be situationally dependent, but we are simply talking about requests that would be considered relatively normal. If you are a brick boundary setter, you may notice that requests from others feel more like demands, and may have a tendency to pull away from others rather than draw towards them. You may also be fairly self-sufficient and independent, infrequently asking for help or feeling the need to ask for help. There are many positives about this: you likely find it easy to draw the line, you may be productive and helpful towards others when you do take on a task.
The problem for brick boundary setters can sometimes be a difficulty in being flexible in your relationships, i.e. the “No, because I said so” kind of response. When our boundaries are too rigid, it leaves little space for people to be human and make mistakes. We may be putting up walls in our relationships rather than drawing a clear and defined boundary line. This actually inhibits our ability to effectively deal with conflict, disappointment or hurt, and can lead to bitterness or resentment. Being flexible can sometimes be confused with being weak, but we’d argue this is false. Being flexible in relationships is a huge strength that can serve to protect you, while also fostering healthy relationships.
The “elastic” boundary setter
If you are able to let others know what you are okay with and what you are not okay with, while also being able to approach relational difficulties in a respectful and authentic way, you’ve found the sweet spot! You are what we would call an elastic boundary setter. You have boundaries, you can say ‘yes’ when you have the capacity to give of yourself in your relationships, and ‘no’ when your capacity is limited. You are also able to change your ‘yes’ to a ‘no’ and vice versa when a situation calls for it. You are likely a discerning person and find relationships relatively easy to navigate. When challenges do arise, you approach them rather than turning away from them, ignoring them, or giving in. While there will be times where things don’t go as planned, or your elastic snaps or or doesn’t have any give, this is just evidence that you too, are only human.
Boundaries are lines, not walls
Being able to set healthy boundaries means being able to build healthy relationships. In a healthy and functioning relationship, both people feel valued, both people feel heard or understood, and both people feel their needs matter. There is give and take. When this is not the case, and one person has difficulty setting boundaries, it means the other person’s boundaries have to be laid out clearly. By this we mean, it is important to be able to respectfully communicate what we will and will not allow - not only for our sake, but for their sake too! This is the key difference between setting a boundary line or putting up a wall. When we set a boundary line, our goal is not to block someone out, but to create physical and emotional safety in the relationship. How you do that may look different depending on the situation, but learning how to do this is key for success in your relationships and for your own wellbeing. Learning how to do this takes both time and practice, and is often (if not always) a continuous lesson as we navigate different relationships through the lifespan.
About The Author:
Chanae Smith, Registered Psychologist
-Chanae is a wife, a mother, and a Registered Psychologist that enjoys traveling, eating good food, learning, and playing. Chanae works with children and adults to form healthier relationships within the context of their homes, schools, personal relationships and even in the wider society.
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